[ Blue Man Sings The Whites ]

Divisional Round - Philadelphia Eagles (#4) @ Arizona Cardinals (#1)

And so we begin the postseason with a game against the same team that we played to open the regular season.

Those with looooooong memories (or those capable of clicking a hyperlink) might recall that we won that first game handily, thanks in large part to two picks by Jed Bowden and an overpowering performance from Marcel Shipp. Those with looooooong memories and an annoying habit of paying attention to detail might recall that Brian Griese relieved Jeff Blake late in the game and was absolutely bloody awful.

It's all swings and roundabouts, the omen game.

"The heart and soul of the Philadelphia offence is Donovan McNabb, who's exactly the sort of big-armed mobile quarterback who normally gives your defence fits."

Oh. You're back, are you?

"So it would appear. The relentlessly average Duce Staley is installed at halfback, having managed to foist one backup runner with crappy hands onto you, Philadelphia have immediately gone out and found another - Toby Cottrell, a second-year player out of Illinois who offers absolutely nothing that Staley doesn't other than a complete inability to hang on to the football."

They didn't foist Westbrook onto me. We got him in free agency. We foisted him on ourselves, thankyou oh-so-very-much.

"You plainly mistake me for a man who cares. The Eagle receivers vary in quality from barely-average to completely-hopeless. Another second-year player is starting at flanker opposite the quick-but-alligator-armed Todd Pinkston - Craig Smith has pretty much everything you want from a wideout other than the ability to catch."

Not the ideal thing to be missing from a receiver's skillset, in many ways.

"Unless you're playing for Seattle, obviously."

Obviously.

"The offensive line is excellent, however, with the possible exception of rookie right tackle Wayne Harris - who, inkeeping with the general public's level of insight into offensive line place, is naturally the only member of the unit who's going to the Pro-Bowl. The Eagle defence is excellent. The strength of the d-line lies up the gut, where Corey Simon and Darwin Walker are strong enough to take some pressure off the unit's weak link - MLB Mark Simoneau. The secondary boasts probably the best 1-2-3 cornerback combination in the NFL - Troy Vincent, Bobby Taylor and Lito Sheppard - plus a pair of elite, big-hitting safeties in Brian Dawkins and Michael Lewis. If you ask me..."

Which I don't remember doing.

"...your defence matches up well against their offence, and their defence matches up well against anyone. So this game comes down to turnovers. In week 1, McNabb threw two picks in the first quarter and Philly were 21-zip down in as much time as it takes to say "Ty Detmer". Whichever side makes the first mistake and ends up chasing the game is likely to just keep getting themselves into deeper and deeper trouble. Win the takeaway battle, you win the game."

Thankyou for that dazzlingly obvious insight. What's next? Are you about to share some insider information about the toilet habits of ursine mammals? Or about the exact nature of the Supreme Pontiff's faith, mayhap?

"I hate you with the passion of a thousand fiery suns."

-

It's a packed house at Sun Devil for the first home playoff game for the Cardinals since Methuselah was a lad. Following an inspiring team-talk ("Brian, if you blow this for us I'll have you shot square in the head, you useless tosser") we trot out to the roar of the greasepaint and the smell of the crowd, and respond to the wild acclaim by promptly losing the coin-toss.

Some things never change.

We start good and stout against the run - four Staley runs netting 1 yard. But for the niggling details of a quarterback bootleg that gains 14 yards and a 29-yard strike to Crocodile Pinkston into fieldgoal range, we'd have this completely under control. To mix things up a tad, we come with a blitz that sees McNabb launching a ball on the back-pedal that's obviously far too low for the receiver. Pinkston skids to try and get to the lame-duck pass, but Jed Bowden slides in underneath the route and scoops up the interception.

Philadelphia come out for their first defensive series in a 4-6, which we respond to with quick-hit passing designed to blunt that formation's strong pass-rush and take advantage of the man-to-man coverage on the outside. Five completions out of six and 49 yards later, we're camped at the Eagle 11 but with the shortened field can't quite find a way to unlock the defence. PHI 0-3 ARI

Philadelphia level things up with one of those irritating drives where we constantly look on the verge of stopping them but somehow never quite manage to, but they come out with the same defensive philosophy, so we go right back to work. Sooner or later one of the big lads on the outside is bound to break a tac... oh, there he goes, 27 yards to Anquan Boldin. A linebacker trying to cover Macca equals another 15 yards, and then it's Shippville, Marcel crashing through four or five Eagles for a 7-yard touchdown.

Jed Bowden makes a nice open-field tackle on Pinkston to stop him a yard shy on 3rd and 8. Following the punt, the Eagles finally start to mix things up a tad, with what can only be described as variable success. A 6-man blitz sees an outlet pass to Marcel Shipp turn into his longest play of the year, the big fella finally run down inside the Eagle 20 after a massive gain of 51 yards. Philly get us to 3rd and 12, and realising how big-blitzing cost them a big gain last time, elect to rush just three and drop eight. A pretty sound plan.

Or, a pretty sound plan so long as you make sure that at least one of your eight defenders is covering the opposition's Pro Bowl wide receiver. Johnno gets exactly 12 to convert for 1st and goal from the 5, but that excellent defence stands firm and frustratingly we can't make the situation count, ending the half with a second figgie. At the break, then - PHI 3-13 ARI

-

"Alright, guys, we've got this under control. They can't move the ball on us so let's just play a conservative game on offence, not give them any short fields to work with and wait for McNabb to start pressing. Alright? Don't get clever, take what you're given and above all don't give the ball away. Alright, off you go. And hey - let's be careful out there."

It takes Brian Griese all of three plays to forget the half-time team-talk, which is a whole two plays longer than I expected. Trying to drop a touch-pass in to Freddie Jones, he doesn't quite get enough air under the ball and has it picked off by Nate Wayne. The blithering idiot. It looks like trouble when Duce Staley breaks off his first decent run of the game, but the effort's for naught after a holding penalty negates the gain and moves the Eagles back to 2nd and long at our 35. Not for the first time, pressure comes up the middle with Shaun Rogers and Wendell Bryant busting through. Not for the first time, Donovan McNabb is forced into evasive action. Not for the first time, he puts up a pass across his body while backpedalling. Not for the first time the ball floats out in Todd Pinkston's vague direction without any sort of zip or purpose. Not for the first time, Jed Bowden gets underneath the receiver's route for an interception. Not for the first time, he outruns everyone 77 yards to the house to extend our lead to 17 points...

Hang on, come to think of it, he's actually not done that last bit before. PHI 3-20 ARI

The Eagles go three-and-out after a Staley run is stopped for a loss and McNabb is tattooed in the backfield by Wendell Bryant on successive plays, which just gives us a chance to use Marcel Shipp to start shortening the game. 7 runs on the drive net 35 yards, two passes get 19 more including an 8-yard grab for his second TD of the day to put the Eagles in a hole they're unlikely to be able to climb out of. The game's basically over on the next drive, when McNabb aims for LJ Smith down the seam and instead hits rookie Skip Benson in the shoulder. The ball balloons up into the air, and it's the nickel linebacker who reacts quickest, snaring the pass and killing the contest. Duce Staley adds a long TD and a deuce conversion in the final minute, but it's a pretty meaningless consolation in a pretty comprehensive defeat. PHI 11-27 ARI

Brian Griese's been efficient (21/27 for 261 yards, 1 score, 1 pick and just 1 sack taken), Marcel Shipp has been the offensive workhorse (25 carries for 78 yards, 5 catches for 91 yards, 2 TDs), but the undoubted player of the game is the guy who matched the two picks he had in the teams' regular season meeting, Jed Bowden.

In the round's other games, the Raiders leave it late for the second week on the bounce, upsetting the Colts 20-6 thanks to 17 4th-quarter points in a scrappy contest with 7 total turnovers between the two teams. They'll be travelling to Cincinnati after the Bengals go to Pro Player Stadium and shut out the Phish despite managing just 200 yards of total offence. Final score 19-0. By contrast, in the NFC both games play out as seeding would suggest, with our victory matched by Green Bay, who beat the Falcons 20-0 at Lambeau, with Atlanta managing just 63 and 69 yards passing and rushing respectively.

Last time we played the Packers was in last year's Wild Card round, a nailbiting game that we eventually won on the last play of the game thanks to a Bowden-assisted non-catch in the endzone by Javon Walker. The last time we hosted the Packers was the year before that, a not-so-nailbiting game that we eventually lost by mumblemumble to 14.

"Mumblemumble?"

I don't really remember. It was a long time ago.

"Want me to refresh your memory?"

Oh, do sod off.

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(c) daniel roe 2004